I've turned into a total Hulk!!

Today was a day and boy, what a day it has been!!  It was slated to be a busy day with a nutrition appointment first thing and then class immediately following.  My nutrition appointment was nice and I went in with an open mind, something that is not abnormal but with the test "the system" process I have been going through I was a little nervous.  So, the appointment goes relatively easy, I caught my nutritionist up on the past few weeks and we went over my food logs discussing some of the things I had noted. Then, "it" happens, the biggest and scariest it of all, she weighs me.  This immediately makes me anxious and sends me into a semi-freak out, so she tells me to go back to scale so I don't see the number.  WHAT?!?! You mean I can't see the number? I can't see the big scary monster looking back at me? Ugh! It was so hard. I step off the scale and she clears it out without me seeing the number.  I confirmed that I can't know the number and then I told her it wasn't fair.  She asked me why.  I explain that I have no control now, I have no power over that number or anything.  She asked me if I really had power before, if knowing the number really gave me control and power. I explained that it was my indicator telling me if I was good or bad, it told me if I was doing a good job or if I needed to work harder.  Obviously, in her eyes this scale is doing me no favors. I am not fully convinced of this idea.  So, she issues me a challenge.  Ugh!! Really? Why can't we skip along merrily pretending that we are great? Well, because that wouldn't be recovery now, would it? She challenges me to think about getting rid of my scale. OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!  She explained how some people give it to someone else, throw it away in the trash, destroy it, give it to goodwill, etc. If I couldn't do that then try to find a way to not engage with the scale.  Our session came to an end and even though my mood was good overall, I left feeling salty.  After leaving the center I head towards school which is a good 15 minute drive, which is not a bad thing.  I check-in with Jason to let him know how things are going and find out how his day is going.  I can't shake my feelings over the scale and the challenge that was issued to me.  So I call one of my support people to process all of what I am feeling and thinking.  At the time they couldn't chat so we agreed to talk after class.  I get to math class late which wasn't bad, but it had already started so I was a little behind on what was happening.  The teacher thinks that this is not an issue and calls on me shortly after I sit down.  Already feeling the inadequacy of my math skills, this didn't really help to improve my mood.  Other than the rough start of class things go rather nicely and we review for our test tomorrow which left me feeling both excited and nervous.  I was pleasantly surprised by some of my capabilities and quickly sobered by the things that cause me trouble.  As I am leaving my class I call my friend back to revisit the conversation I wanted to have earlier.  I tell them about the challenge my nutritionist issued and they were all too excited to agree with this, and even encouraged me to get rid of my scale.  They went a step further and suggested that I smash it with a hammer to which I told them, that is excessive.  We talk about the power the scale holds and my emotions around relinquishing control.  I explain that the scale tells me if I am a good girl or a bad girl. I can sometimes feel my father hovering over me telling me I need to work harder or the common, "If you would just lose a little bit of weight, then..."  I have lived by the if, then idea, knowing full well when I reached the then it would change to another then and I would never "make it".  All of my life my worth and especially my worthiness has been determined by that number and how or what I ate. I could have saved and children from a burning orphanage and still not be a good because I ate a piece of cake that day.  I asked my friend what will I have when I don't have the scale, how I will I know what I am? This question feels like the heaviest thing I have ever pondered and there has to be a complex answer to make it sensible.  My friend tells me, "How about a baptized child of God?" WHAT?!?!! I am a little floored here, and I respond, "That's it!" They reassure me that, in and of itself is pretty awesome and encourage me to try, when I want to weigh myself, go to the sink, run the water, get my hand wet and make the sign of the cross on my head.  Seriously this idea completely knocked me on my back and completely winded me. So we end our conversation and I am still feeling a little salty over this whole scale thing.  I get home from school and decide that I at least need to take it out of my bathroom. I get the scale, go into the laundry room to retrieve a hammer, and go out into the back yard.  I set the scale down and just start at it turning the hammer over in my hand.  Honestly, I feel really stupid and wonder what my neighbors may be thinking about what their crazy neighbor is doing.  So, I go for it. I take a swing at the scale and it really isn't the hardest hit I had in me. The hammer hits the scale and holy shit!! That felt amazing!! I keep going, gaining power and momentum with each swing. In my head I am thinking to myself, "fuck you dad." I just keep hitting the scale, the "on" button flies off the scale, and the screen shatters. It was amazing! I was the most powerful woman on the planet, I felt like a giant standing up to the meanest, nastiest bully ever.  I felt so strong and like I was destroying way more than just plastic and metal.  I hit it more and more, then the plastic piece separates from the platform and flies to the side.  That was wonderful. I stomp on the plastic piece to break it even more, I flip over the scale and keep hitting the metal part.  Then, I just stop and marvel at my handiwork.  I am just staring at the scattered pieces feeling amazing, powerful and some pretty intense joy.  Also, oddly enough even though I had just gone Hulk on the scale, I felt this sense of peace. It wasn't an overwhelming peace, it was just a subtle river of peace flowing quietly and beautifully within.  Who knew that doing this would be such an amazing and freeing action for me? Maybe the people who suggested I do it in the first place.  Today feels like the first day of something really great. I don't want to be cheesy and say it is the first day of the rest of my life because it is so much more. It is as if I have been unbound, like a prisoner who has been chained for far too long.  Today was the day that I destroyed one of the ties that bind me to ED and jim even though I don't want to acknowledge him at all.  It isn't the cure or the magic answer because chains are made up of links, and there are many that need to be broken.  Little by little, I have been taking my power and today's little soiree was huge.  It was a huge step towards liberation and honestly no matter how difficult I can't wait to take more.