You might be asking yourself how is this neighborhood that bad? I do this thing a lot where I want to do something, try something new, a new social situation, go to a friends wedding, hang out with friends, or whatever "normal" people do. I look from the outside and think to myself, I'm gonna do it!" I even try to picture the positive things that could happen or new people to meet. Then somewhere along the line something happens and then I do it. Let's take for instance this new event someone has invited me too and even texts me to see if I am coming or to tell me that I was missed. Every week it I tell myself I am going to go, I even tell my husband I am going and then it happens. I start to think about what will happen at this event in particular and all the reasons why I can't do it, basically why I am scared. I'll give you a scenario of what happens.
Self: I really want to go but you know what they are serving food at this thing so I probably shouldn't, maybe I'll have a little bit of food so nobody thinks anything out of the ordinary. Then they will see me eating and they will think I am fat and disgusting, I will accidentally take a bite that is too big or drop something off my fork and they will think I am a disgusting pig. I shouldn't eat. There's this girl who will probably be there who's tall and thin and just beautiful and people will wonder why someone like me would come. All of these smart and super amazing people will be there and then people will realize what an ungifted blubbering idiot I am. I will probably say something offensive and then everyone will hate me. That one person from my church will probably be there and unless I act and speak perfectly she will tell this other person from my church and then they will hate me. How am I going to talk to these people? I am so bad at small talk and asking questions about other people. I will probably just sit there and not contribute to the conversation because I don't know what to say and look like a complete idiot. I will just be this fat disgusting idiot that wil ruin everything. I probably shouldn't go. It is pretty far. I should save the gas. I'm staying home.
That is just one event, just one thing that I can't bring myself to do. Just one out of many things that this tape or similar tapes play on in the background keeping me trapped in this place. Does that look exhausting? It is. I really want to just live life, do new things, meet new people and be who I think I might just be called to be. But I can't. Why can't I? Because I am scared. I am terrified. The worst part about that is I can't articulate what scares me. Probably the biggest one is that he will be right in all he ever told me so I just shouldn't even try in the first place. I know that I will try something and then fail and he will be right. Then that will mean I was wrong about everything I have ever done to try to heal and move past it or to somewhere else at least. So in this neighborhood I stay until maybe one day I can get out if that day comes.
