It has been a long while since I have found myself back here on my blog. Oh how I have missed this sacred place. Unfortunately I find myself here right now out of somewhat of a necessity and maybe even a little desperation. I am in the midst of trying to block strong ed urges. Let me paint a picture for you if I may.
About thirty minutes ago I finished dinner, and that is something that is no small feat either for reasons not limited to my ed. Dinner is sometimes more challenging because of the simple fact that I have children whom I adore, but they act their age and sometimes younger. Tonight was one of those nights where they decided to act rather special, no table manners, getting up, acting up, you get the idea. Having to constantly correct and redirect really affects my anxiety. I try to choose my battles or ignore and extinguish, but it doesn't work 100% of the time and let's just be honest, kids are kids. So my anxiety is already up because of dinner and it is now going higher because of the children's behavior. I finished my food and I am sitting at the table with them just trying to make myself relax and enjoy the time with them. This is the first part of what feels like I am giving birth. I am sitting there practically bending spoons trying to will myself to be ok in the moment. Perhaps my first mistake. Then I get a phone call and go back to the master bedroom, this becomes my second mistake because of the proximity to the bathroom. I finish the phone call and just lay down because my anxiety is overwhelming me like piggy back contractions coursing through my body. I am just laying there with these awful feelings, wanting to act on my eating disorder so badly that my body physically hurts. So I text a friend to talk me through the labor of tolerating these feelings and they ask if I have had an epidural aka taken my anxiety meds. No. I am a sadistic nut job who didn't think to take the one thing that would help drastically. DERP!! So instead of getting the medicine I decide to just stay where I am in location and pain while riding the feelings out, mainly out of fear of walking past the bathroom. I stay put. Tolerating the feelings of overwhelming guilt, anxiety and self-hatred, just breathing thought the overwhelming pain. I lay there, pressing my body into my mattress, feeling the sensations of being deeply connected to something and just tolerate these feelings all the while continuing to remember my breathing. Breathing and just repeating to myself to tolerate this moment, it will pass. The pain is still there, the urge is still there and I am still breathing. Breathing breathing breathing. Staying put. Eyes closed. Just breathing and being one with my breathing. Then my friend texts again pulling me out of the trance I had put myself in and somehow without really even noticing what has happened the moment has passed and my labor is over, giving birth to beautiful feelings of strength and peace. I hold these feelings tightly and let the feelings of warmth and light course through my body. The distress is over. The urge has passed.
Thanks be to God.
