I WANT IT NOW!!!!

This blog post started while I was at the Extravaganza a few weeks ago so we are going to go back in time then fast forward.  HERE GOES!!

     So I am sitting here at the extravaganza listening to the key note speaker talking about what frames us.  This idea or theme is really shaking me. I feel like I have let things especially my past, hurts, wounds, and my eating disorder frame me.  For so long I thought that I could keep it separate from everything else, but I can’t.  I don’t want to be burdened anymore, I am tired of being bound and it affecting everything else.  I want to reframe everything especially the lenses in which I see to walk through my faith journey.  I want to grow, I want to share that growth and most of all I want my story and everything to matter. I want to know that all of this shit that I have carried with me for so long to amount to something meaningful.  I want God to use me, all of me, every nasty disgusting part of my story and all of the beautiful parts too.  I just want to be used, I want to do something great, and I want my recovery to shine a light for others.  I want people to see the light of Christ through everything especially my recovery.  I want to recover.  I want to reframe. 

    That was Friday January 31 and here we are February 20, almost a month later.  Do you want to know what is different? Not a damn thing!  Here I am twenty days later and I feel more frustrated with everything.  I haven't reframed anything or at least it doesn't feel like I have.  I want to be different, I want to be more, I want to be better, I want to be whole!! God dammit I want to be healed!  I am so tired of carrying all of this stuff with me, all the hurt and pain with my childhood is so heavy. It feels so overbearing it is almost suffocating, it weighs me down so much I feel like my head is barely above water.  I feel like my own existence is drowning me.  A friend asked me yesterday in what ways has Christ made me knew and I couldn't answer the question.  What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!! I am supposed to know this stuff and I seriously couldn't find anything.  I seriously feel like Veruca Salt right now pitching a fit about all the things I want.  I am throwing a tantrum and stomping my feet at God.  I feel like I have been more than clear, I want to be whole, I don't want to carry around this stuff forever, I don't want to live a trapped life forever, I guess most of all I want to be made new.  Why can't it just happen?  Why can't magic happen and I get the help/treatment I need, I go through "the process", I heal, and I get "fixed?"  Why can't that just happen?  I am so unbelievably tired of having an eating disorder, it is exhausting being fixated on the food you eat or don't eat, and it just feels awful in every way possible.  In the same sense I want to recover, but I also want to just starve, I just want to not eat, I want to waste away into the nothingness that I am.  Today I thought to myself if I never ate again it would be too soon, I just don't want to be bothered with food or having to eat.  Maybe because of the power and control food holds or exudes is why I am just so done with it.  I just want to be normal, I want to enjoy things, I want to be happy, and I just want to be free.  So, God if you are reading this please don't send me down the bad egg chute that I am probably destined for, but could please just polish me, make me beautiful, make me whole, and maybe make me a good egg? Like now?

Air

I have to disclaim that this post originally started on super bowl Sunday.  So here is the beginning and the continuation.  

After some events today I feel like I just need to clear a few things up. 

I hate the word fat, it makes me cringe, makes me sad and uncomfortable all at the same time. It is a word I wish we could wipe from the dictionary. I have an eating disorder(feel free to ask and not assume), I am in recovery and struggling a lot right now.

I was in treatment in the spring for said disorder and I am still a work in progress. I will be over sensitive, defensive, moody, happy, sad, etc, it's part of the grief process that is eating disorder recovery. 

I am a survivor, in particular a survivor of abuse, abuse of which I will not go into detail here. If you are curious just ask. Again, ask don't assume. So because I am a survivor I don't find jokes about rape, abuse, victimization or marginalization funny so please save them and just never say them. 

I have PTSD and I have never been deployed or in the military. So when you suddenly touch me, grab me, etc. I could have a flashback. The human touch thing isn't me being weird it is me surviving. I know this is a lot of information all at once but I feel like I need to get this stuff out. This time at the extravaganza has been amazing, God had been doing work both professionally and personally. All of this stuff is part of who I am and I am called in spite of it.

I hate all or nothing thinking, it is my linch pin, it keeps me disordered and perpetuates a lot of negative shit.  There is no "if, then", like ever, there is no if we do this then this will happen.  We just are, we just live and survive through all of it, good or bad.  

All of this and more make-up who I am or maybe who I'm not.  I am broken, wounded, healing, whole, sinner, saint, and so much more just trying to live in response to the gift of grace that was extended to me.  If this seems random or like a lot to take in then read this again or maybe again after that.  Just take a step back and remember that everyone is fighting a different war or celebrating a different party, just respect that and try to be graceful to that fact.  That's all.