Air

I have to disclaim that this post originally started on super bowl Sunday.  So here is the beginning and the continuation.  

After some events today I feel like I just need to clear a few things up. 

I hate the word fat, it makes me cringe, makes me sad and uncomfortable all at the same time. It is a word I wish we could wipe from the dictionary. I have an eating disorder(feel free to ask and not assume), I am in recovery and struggling a lot right now.

I was in treatment in the spring for said disorder and I am still a work in progress. I will be over sensitive, defensive, moody, happy, sad, etc, it's part of the grief process that is eating disorder recovery. 

I am a survivor, in particular a survivor of abuse, abuse of which I will not go into detail here. If you are curious just ask. Again, ask don't assume. So because I am a survivor I don't find jokes about rape, abuse, victimization or marginalization funny so please save them and just never say them. 

I have PTSD and I have never been deployed or in the military. So when you suddenly touch me, grab me, etc. I could have a flashback. The human touch thing isn't me being weird it is me surviving. I know this is a lot of information all at once but I feel like I need to get this stuff out. This time at the extravaganza has been amazing, God had been doing work both professionally and personally. All of this stuff is part of who I am and I am called in spite of it.

I hate all or nothing thinking, it is my linch pin, it keeps me disordered and perpetuates a lot of negative shit.  There is no "if, then", like ever, there is no if we do this then this will happen.  We just are, we just live and survive through all of it, good or bad.  

All of this and more make-up who I am or maybe who I'm not.  I am broken, wounded, healing, whole, sinner, saint, and so much more just trying to live in response to the gift of grace that was extended to me.  If this seems random or like a lot to take in then read this again or maybe again after that.  Just take a step back and remember that everyone is fighting a different war or celebrating a different party, just respect that and try to be graceful to that fact.  That's all.