So I am sitting here at the extravaganza listening to the key note speaker talking about what frames us. This idea or theme is really shaking me. I feel like I have let things especially my past, hurts, wounds, and my eating disorder frame me. For so long I thought that I could keep it separate from everything else, but I can’t. I don’t want to be burdened anymore, I am tired of being bound and it affecting everything else. I want to reframe everything especially the lenses in which I see to walk through my faith journey. I want to grow, I want to share that growth and most of all I want my story and everything to matter. I want to know that all of this shit that I have carried with me for so long to amount to something meaningful. I want God to use me, all of me, every nasty disgusting part of my story and all of the beautiful parts too. I just want to be used, I want to do something great, and I want my recovery to shine a light for others. I want people to see the light of Christ through everything especially my recovery. I want to recover. I want to reframe.
That was Friday January 31 and here we are February 20, almost a month later. Do you want to know what is different? Not a damn thing! Here I am twenty days later and I feel more frustrated with everything. I haven't reframed anything or at least it doesn't feel like I have. I want to be different, I want to be more, I want to be better, I want to be whole!! God dammit I want to be healed! I am so tired of carrying all of this stuff with me, all the hurt and pain with my childhood is so heavy. It feels so overbearing it is almost suffocating, it weighs me down so much I feel like my head is barely above water. I feel like my own existence is drowning me. A friend asked me yesterday in what ways has Christ made me knew and I couldn't answer the question. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!! I am supposed to know this stuff and I seriously couldn't find anything. I seriously feel like Veruca Salt right now pitching a fit about all the things I want. I am throwing a tantrum and stomping my feet at God. I feel like I have been more than clear, I want to be whole, I don't want to carry around this stuff forever, I don't want to live a trapped life forever, I guess most of all I want to be made new. Why can't it just happen? Why can't magic happen and I get the help/treatment I need, I go through "the process", I heal, and I get "fixed?" Why can't that just happen? I am so unbelievably tired of having an eating disorder, it is exhausting being fixated on the food you eat or don't eat, and it just feels awful in every way possible. In the same sense I want to recover, but I also want to just starve, I just want to not eat, I want to waste away into the nothingness that I am. Today I thought to myself if I never ate again it would be too soon, I just don't want to be bothered with food or having to eat. Maybe because of the power and control food holds or exudes is why I am just so done with it. I just want to be normal, I want to enjoy things, I want to be happy, and I just want to be free. So, God if you are reading this please don't send me down the bad egg chute that I am probably destined for, but could please just polish me, make me beautiful, make me whole, and maybe make me a good egg? Like now?
No comments:
Post a Comment