What happened?!?!!

UGH!! I cannot say that or express it loud enough right now.  Yesterday I was so strong, I was such a Betty badass and I felt like I was fighting ED with everything I had, it seemed that way.  Today I feel like I am doing the walk of shame with the remnants of a one night stand with strength and empowerment, complete with running mascara and torn stockings.  I feel like I am walking around looking like a complete disheveled mess and worst of all it feels like everyone can see it.  Yesterday I felt like I turned such a great corner in recovery, I was rocking the world and I totally had the gold stars to show off my triumph.  I was in the ring with ED throwing left hooks, jabs and he was totally down for the count, or so I thought.  Today he came back with a vengeance and he came out his corner ready to fight, I was not prepared.  The day started normally, got the kids off to school with no issues again which is such a huge victory, then I came home to continue on with my day.  Then it started, the anxiety came from no where and it was crushing me.  I just couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast, I felt like the floor was falling from beneath me and I was not about to screw it up by eating anything.  I don't know why I thought this would help, I knew that it wouldn't help and all it would do was give ED more power.  Just last night in my support group someone asked the question, "by acting on symptoms does it make the situation you are going through different?" I knew better, I so knew better and I just let go of all the power I had yesterday.  So, I didn't eat breakfast, and all I had was my coffee.  Then it was time to get ready for my personal training appointment at the gym, so I had some of the energy balls that I make and a banana which felt safe, honestly that was all I could muster.  I took an apple with me in case I wanted to eat it in the car and of course I didn't eat it, shocker.  I make my way through my workout with my trainer and it was awesome, he totally kicked my ass and it was a great work out.  I leave the gym with a great endorphin rush from the work out and go on about my merry way eating the apple in the car.  I was fully prepared to just leave it at that, then a friend whom I haven't seen a while calls and she is in the area so we decide to have lunch at Baja Fresh.  OH MY GOD!!!! There is nothing there that is safe or at least nothing that I know of that is safe.  I am able to at least focus on the excitement of getting to visit with a great friend after having some distance between us because of no other reason than life.  So I get there and I ordered what I wanted to eat, I decided to stand up to ED and order what I wanted, not what was the safe or the "right" thing to eat.  I eat my food without much issue, it didn't feel like there were a lot of eating disorder thoughts and it didn't feel like ED was fighting this choice of mine.  I ate half of the burrito that I ordered and I stopped for a little break to make sure I wasn't getting too full, that was where the sneaky little fuck decided to slip in.  I totally wanted to finish it or at least eat some more of it, but I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to pick it up and take another bite.  So I just said that I was full and threw out my food. Like a good little girl I listened, I stopped eating, I stopped being Miss Piggy and parted ways with my friend.  I must note that the interaction, conversation and the time I shared with her was great, I truly enjoyed myself.  You would think that those factors would make for a good lunch.  WRONG!! I make my way to the girls school the whole time thinking that I need to purge in some way and that if the teacher didn't need me to help out at the school I was going to do it one way or the other.  I get to the school for my scheduled time to volunteer and at first I can't find the teacher.  Here is my chance, I am totally going to get an out and act on symptoms.  Then, as I am walking back to the classroom to check one more time I see her in the hallway. FUCK!! We make some small talk and then she give me some stuff to do, so I go about doing the work.  The whole time I am thinking to myself that there has got to be some way that I will get of this early enough to do what I want.  Not a snow balls chance in hell did that happen.  I finish my volunteer time and then wait for the girls to get out of school.  We get home and I decide that I just need to lay down because I am tired, so I go to my room and lay down until Jason got home from work.  He gets home and the first thing he asks about is dinner.  I was so hoping that he would go out with his friends(his normal Thursday activity) and leave me to deal with dinner with the girls, which means that I would feed them dinner without having dinner for myself.  No such luck, he suggests that we order pizza so I decide to order just one pizza instead of our normal two pizzas so that I would have an excuse to eat a salad.  So, dinner arrives, I make my salad and have my one slice of pizza the whole time thinking that this is not something I should be doing.  After dinner Jason leaves to meet up with his friends and I go about the nightly routine of getting the girls to bed.  Once they are in bed and everything is quiet the reality of my day sets in.  I feel like the biggest fuck up in the history of all fuck ups.  I feel like I have eaten way to much food for the day and didn't have any control at all.  Worst of all I feel powerless, and I feel ashamed to think that I had any power in the first place.  What happened?!?!!?!! Where did all of this power go that was there in ample supply yesterday?  Honestly it didn't go anywhere, I did.  I left the house both literally and figuratively, leaving my power at home or somewhere else.  I didn't have to have the day I had today, I could have fought so much harder for recovery than I did today, but I didn't fight. I didn't even throw a single punch.  ED had me against the ropes and I just let him beat me up, all the while my trainer is in the background telling me to fight, he is telling me to get off the ropes and to fight back.  I ignored all of it, I had so many things in my arsenal that I could have used and I didn't, I just didn't fight at all. I am not sure why, that is something I am sure will be figured out at some point. Today is not that day.  Maybe the victory in today is recognizing that I didn't fight.  Even though I didn't put up my dukes I am still giving myself a gold star for trying today.  There were some good things that I did today and it wasn't all bad.  I could have made an excuse not to have lunch with this friend and gone about my way acting on symptoms the whole time.  I could have ordered safe food for lunch and not allowed myself the pleasure I had for a short time.  So, yes today was not the best day for recovery, but tomorrow I am going to get up and try again.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I say, "bring it on!"

Duh-ha!!

So today has been a strange amalgamation of events and emotions. I had my second appointment with my nutritionist this morning and had some anxiety surrounding the impending visit. I thought for sure she would chastise me for not eating enough or for doing something wrong. If I wasn't chastised then I was sure she was going to give me a meal plan and completely fuck up my world. So, I go about my morning and get the girls off to school without any issues. THANKS BE TO GOD! After I leave them at school and see Jason off to work I go on my merry way to my appointment. Surprisingly enough my appointment goes well, honestly I shouldn't be surprised because things usually go much differently in my head than what reality holds. I should clarify other than hearing that my insurance doesn't cover nutrition counseling unless you are a diabetic(I am going to appeal the insurance company over this issue) the appointment went well. I am starting like the idea of nutrition counseling and becoming ok with the idea of what it can do for my recovery. After my appointment I met up with two very dear friends for lunch, which was a highlight of my day. This friend is one of the few people I can eat in front of and be comfortable, most importantly not be triggered. So, we have a nice long lunch and really just enjoy each others company and have really good conversation. Then I have to leave for another appointment. I am in a really good mood, my day is going well despite a minor bump in the road that is getting fixed, I am seriously having just a really great day. As I am driving to my next commitment I am just sort of taking ED's attendance and realize that, yeah he is there but have sort of a whatever reaction. WHAT?! Then IT happens. I have what I like to call a stupid epiphany, they are stupid epiphanies because they have been there all along, but I am just now recognizing not only the existence but the power it holds. I realized that ED can be there, ED can be where ever he wants, but(it is a big but) I don't have to listen to him. I have heard this idea before and I have even read it in a book, but I didn't get it until today. I never gave this idea the opportunity to set in and really take root into my subconsciousness until today.  This while idea and the freedom I felt made/makes me very excited.  Now I know that this idea will take lots and lots of practice, it will take intentional choices on my part to really mean something in the long run, but today's realization is really exciting.  For so long I have given ED a lot of power over my choices, especially my choices surrounding food.  I let him dictate to me what, when, where and how I should eat.  Today I realized how much power I have and that I don't have to listen to him at all.  Some days I may do really well with my power and use it to my full advantage and other days I will lose or fail, maybe I will even fall flat onto my face into a relapse.  Even if all of that happens I will be holding onto my power, I will hold onto it like a catcher holds onto a baseball while protecting home plate.  Today has been an awesome day in my recovery process because I have really made some sort of progress.  More and more as I go through this process I am getting a new sense of power or a power that I have always had but never acknowledged.  So, no I don't have to listen to ED, I don't have to listen to the eating disorder voice at all and today I am choosing not to and I am choosing to do the next right thing(my therapist loves saying that). Tomorrow I may be as strong as an ox or I may waiver, but I will not give up.  I will work it because it is worth it and more importantly I am worth the work as well.

I just don't know

Today's theme has been, "I just don't know."  It started normally with getting the girls off to school, after that I was trying to coordinate with a friend about meeting up for breakfast while fighting with ED over eating, and then I went to my appointment with my therapist.  I went into therapy already carrying a heavy load from some, as my therapist put it, emotional bombings.  I was angry and frustrated with the emotions that I was already feeling, frustrated over the realization at the anger I have over my father, my mother, and the abuse from my childhood.  I was also frustrated over trying to come up with strategies for Sunday's luncheon at church and the fact that I have to put myself through the event in the first place.  Part of my stress over the luncheon on Sunday is the socialization and trying to "fit in." More and more lately I have felt like I just don't fit in, I don't fit in within the church circle, I don't fit in with the moms at school, and overall I just don't feel like I fit in at all.  I was telling my therapist how I was talking about this with my sister and my sister was trying to give me conversation strategies because that social fluff kind of conversation just does not come naturally to me. My sister has this weird gift with conversation, to watch her is somewhat amazing to see how it just flows so easily from her, while I stumble gracefully over awkward pauses.  My frustration with this fact and the idea of trying to socialize on Sunday is causes some anxiety, I know you are all shocked.  So, at that point my therapist decides to completely fuck my world up in the worst way.  She explained to that the reason I am not comfortable in these situations is because I am an introvert. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! At this point I am about to question if her degree came in happy meal and then she explains to me why I am an introvert.  I like social settings with a select group of people and small amounts or groups, which is true.  I tolerate socializing and then when I am done, I am done and it is over until I "recover" and do it again which is also true.  I like intimate, quality gatherings with people, which is also very true.  After she went over these few points and some others, I was PISSED.  What the fuck, am I supposed to do with this information now?  Congratulations on being right, here is your shiny fucking gold star but, what am I supposed to do now?  All of my life I have been told how social I am, I have been called a social butterfly, chatty Cathy, and told that I can just talk to anyone. Yes, I am talkative some would say I am very talkative. In spite of being talkative I am not an extrovert. It has taken me all day to mentally chew on this information and not purge(mentally and not physically).  Somehow almost 6 hours later I am ok with this information, I am accepting the fact that this is true. I am also accepting the fact that this is true not because someone told me what I am, but it is true because my organic behaviors say so. Yes, it took my therapist to explain all of this in slow, small words and some puppets for me to see this about myself. Commence deep heavy sigh.  This information, no, the acceptance of this information is freeing. I know that I will not magically "get it" in 6 hours or over night because, honestly I just don't know. I don't and that is totally, OK. This will be a process, it will take time, and eventually I will get it inside and out, then it will be beautiful or then I will realize the beauty within this fact.  So, fast forward to the end of session and I skip along on my merry little way. Ok, I was not skipping, nor merry I was bitchy and pissy.  These two things have been rather common the past few days. Yesterdays started after the appointment with the nutritionist and using the recovery record app.  The app is nice, well designed, user friendly and all that good stuff.  It is a level of accountability for which I was not prepared.  I feel like I need to clarify that being prepared and being capable are two different things. I am capable of using this app and the accountability, or maybe I will be at some point. I was not prepared for just how accountable it would make me. It reminds me to eat and not just normal meals but snacks too.  Ugh are you kidding me!?!?! So there are some of the reasons for my bitchiness and pissy attitude(just so you know this has not spilled over to family or friends).  As I am leaving the office I check my phone and look at Facebook, which had a lot of statuses about being heart broken, sad, and people not being able to understand what happened.  They were vague statuses and I wasn't really aware of what was happening.  I called Jason to ask what was going on and he told me of the horrific events in Connecticut.  After I hung up with him I look at the MSNBC app on my phone and read some information about what happened but it was still general information.  I wasn't really getting the magnitude of what was going on, but I was thinking that I just wanted to hug my girls and be with them.  So just before 3:30 I am walking up to their school and I just cannot get there fast enough. As I am waiting for the bell to ring and the kids to come out my emotion is building.  I see the door open and the principal is the first to come out with the kindergarteners, I am frantically looking for Amelia because at that point I just want her.  Finally I see her and it was all I could do to not run up to her and grab her.  She walks over to me, I kneel down to give her a hug, and I lost it. I am hugging her, kissing her head and just telling her how happy I am to see her. She asked why I was crying and I just tell her because I am so happy that she is here and that I have her.  Then we wait for Stephanie to come out(they dismiss the children in grade order), this feels like it is taking forever.  She comes out, I hug her and I am crying still, even though I have them safe in my arms I just can't be thankful enough for having them there.  She looks at me and says, "Mom I know why you are crying. We are going to have a safe weekend." That just makes me cry even more, knowing that she gets in some way what happened and is reassuring me that we will be ok.  Then as we are walking away Amelia asked what happened and I tell her that a man went into a school similar to Pinewood and shot children. I explain that it was in Connecticut and that I didn't know why he did this horrible thing.  As a mother, this tragedy rattled me very hard.  Amelia just started school this year, something that I was so excited for and for the freedom of having both of my kids in school. Now, I just don't know. The idea of not being able to keep them safe everywhere is killing me, to know that one of the places that was supposed to be the safest for them is now not as safe because of the heinous act rips me apart.  I want to pull them out of school and keep them at home, no matter what I have to give up. I want to know that they are safe, I want to see that they are safe, and I want to be the one to keep them safe.  But, I just don't know. I don't know how I can keep them safe from the terrible broken world that is out there. I don't know how I could possibly be with them every step of the way to protect them and guard them from the evils that are out there.  I don't know how I can keep calm and carry on, while wanting to do nothing but hold my babies forever.  I just don't know so many things. I don't know what safety looks like for my children, I don't know what recovery looks like, and I don't know what healing looks like, yet.  I will, I don't know when or how, I just know that I will.  I know that I will because there is a God who is bigger than all of this shit.  None of this will make sense for a long time, but it will, all of the tragedies, hurts, heartaches, recoveries and wounds will someday be pieced together for the world to see that God is not a holy goalie, but God steps into messes and makes them beautiful.

Wishing...well...

Today's theme is "ugh recovery".  Today is a day where I am just not feeling it, not feeling recovery, not feeling like working, and most definitely I do not feeling like eating.  I had my first session with a nutritionist today which was both scary and somewhat exciting. I am excited about doing another new thing that is for me and for this self-care thing that everyone loves talking about, excited for the idea of freedom, and excited to be engaging in an aspect of recovery that I wanted to do for a long time.  The scary part is much more gnarly than the fairies, rainbows, and unicorns that seem to be attached to the excitement.  The idea of really recovering, really getting my shit together scares me, no it terrifies me.  I am afraid of what I will have instead of the eating disorder, who will be my friend, who will comfort me, who will control me when I am "recovered" from my eating disorder?  I am afraid of the idea of having my teddy bear taken away, my ridiculously fucked up, dangerous, harmful, and mean teddy bear. In spite of the danger and harm that the teddy bear poses I feel like I cling to it even tighter thinking that someone is going to take it from me.  My nutritionist told me today that she doesn't want my teddy bear, but maybe we can learn some better ways to use my teddy bear.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!! I should be happy that she doesn't want it but, hasn't he done a great job so far? Honestly, no he has not. I could sit and tell you all of the things he has cost me or done to me, but I still want him, I not only want him I want to love him, and squeeze him, and name him ED.  A part of me wanted recovery, I mean I was the one who sought this out and started with the therapist and in the same breath I don't want it and feel reluctant to take the next step.  All I want to do is purge in any way I can and restrict until the cows come home, but another part of me in this small shaky voice that says, "but, that is not what I want."  I think maybe it is the little girl, lost inside of me who was there before I found ED.  It is the little untainted girl who believed that life was good, who saw the magic in the fireworks at 4th of July, and saw a Daddy who wasn't so scary.  This little girl is afraid, timid, somewhat quiet, and her voice quivers when she speaks, but man is she fierce.  This little girl sees the badness and says, "no, I don't deserve this." This little girl feels the sting of the hits and knows there is something better for her and knows that a prince is waiting for her when she grows up(by the way little girl, this prince is awesome).  This little girl knows that she deserves so much better than being Miss Piggy and knows for sure that she is beautiful beyond measure.  Somehow her voice got lost, it was lost in the murky shit pit of abuse, lies, manipulation and betrayal.  Even though her voice seems lost, it really isn't, it is there but it needs a bullhorn or a microphone until it can be heard on its own.  One day her wish will come true and she will climb out of the well she was thrown into and LIVE in a brand new kind of well that she knew only in her dreams.  One day, she will grow up and kick ass with her fierceness and maybe the first name that is on her list is ED's, maybe it's Jim's. Who know but this girl scared is going to grow up, get out, and kick ass.