I just don't know

Today's theme has been, "I just don't know."  It started normally with getting the girls off to school, after that I was trying to coordinate with a friend about meeting up for breakfast while fighting with ED over eating, and then I went to my appointment with my therapist.  I went into therapy already carrying a heavy load from some, as my therapist put it, emotional bombings.  I was angry and frustrated with the emotions that I was already feeling, frustrated over the realization at the anger I have over my father, my mother, and the abuse from my childhood.  I was also frustrated over trying to come up with strategies for Sunday's luncheon at church and the fact that I have to put myself through the event in the first place.  Part of my stress over the luncheon on Sunday is the socialization and trying to "fit in." More and more lately I have felt like I just don't fit in, I don't fit in within the church circle, I don't fit in with the moms at school, and overall I just don't feel like I fit in at all.  I was telling my therapist how I was talking about this with my sister and my sister was trying to give me conversation strategies because that social fluff kind of conversation just does not come naturally to me. My sister has this weird gift with conversation, to watch her is somewhat amazing to see how it just flows so easily from her, while I stumble gracefully over awkward pauses.  My frustration with this fact and the idea of trying to socialize on Sunday is causes some anxiety, I know you are all shocked.  So, at that point my therapist decides to completely fuck my world up in the worst way.  She explained to that the reason I am not comfortable in these situations is because I am an introvert. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! At this point I am about to question if her degree came in happy meal and then she explains to me why I am an introvert.  I like social settings with a select group of people and small amounts or groups, which is true.  I tolerate socializing and then when I am done, I am done and it is over until I "recover" and do it again which is also true.  I like intimate, quality gatherings with people, which is also very true.  After she went over these few points and some others, I was PISSED.  What the fuck, am I supposed to do with this information now?  Congratulations on being right, here is your shiny fucking gold star but, what am I supposed to do now?  All of my life I have been told how social I am, I have been called a social butterfly, chatty Cathy, and told that I can just talk to anyone. Yes, I am talkative some would say I am very talkative. In spite of being talkative I am not an extrovert. It has taken me all day to mentally chew on this information and not purge(mentally and not physically).  Somehow almost 6 hours later I am ok with this information, I am accepting the fact that this is true. I am also accepting the fact that this is true not because someone told me what I am, but it is true because my organic behaviors say so. Yes, it took my therapist to explain all of this in slow, small words and some puppets for me to see this about myself. Commence deep heavy sigh.  This information, no, the acceptance of this information is freeing. I know that I will not magically "get it" in 6 hours or over night because, honestly I just don't know. I don't and that is totally, OK. This will be a process, it will take time, and eventually I will get it inside and out, then it will be beautiful or then I will realize the beauty within this fact.  So, fast forward to the end of session and I skip along on my merry little way. Ok, I was not skipping, nor merry I was bitchy and pissy.  These two things have been rather common the past few days. Yesterdays started after the appointment with the nutritionist and using the recovery record app.  The app is nice, well designed, user friendly and all that good stuff.  It is a level of accountability for which I was not prepared.  I feel like I need to clarify that being prepared and being capable are two different things. I am capable of using this app and the accountability, or maybe I will be at some point. I was not prepared for just how accountable it would make me. It reminds me to eat and not just normal meals but snacks too.  Ugh are you kidding me!?!?! So there are some of the reasons for my bitchiness and pissy attitude(just so you know this has not spilled over to family or friends).  As I am leaving the office I check my phone and look at Facebook, which had a lot of statuses about being heart broken, sad, and people not being able to understand what happened.  They were vague statuses and I wasn't really aware of what was happening.  I called Jason to ask what was going on and he told me of the horrific events in Connecticut.  After I hung up with him I look at the MSNBC app on my phone and read some information about what happened but it was still general information.  I wasn't really getting the magnitude of what was going on, but I was thinking that I just wanted to hug my girls and be with them.  So just before 3:30 I am walking up to their school and I just cannot get there fast enough. As I am waiting for the bell to ring and the kids to come out my emotion is building.  I see the door open and the principal is the first to come out with the kindergarteners, I am frantically looking for Amelia because at that point I just want her.  Finally I see her and it was all I could do to not run up to her and grab her.  She walks over to me, I kneel down to give her a hug, and I lost it. I am hugging her, kissing her head and just telling her how happy I am to see her. She asked why I was crying and I just tell her because I am so happy that she is here and that I have her.  Then we wait for Stephanie to come out(they dismiss the children in grade order), this feels like it is taking forever.  She comes out, I hug her and I am crying still, even though I have them safe in my arms I just can't be thankful enough for having them there.  She looks at me and says, "Mom I know why you are crying. We are going to have a safe weekend." That just makes me cry even more, knowing that she gets in some way what happened and is reassuring me that we will be ok.  Then as we are walking away Amelia asked what happened and I tell her that a man went into a school similar to Pinewood and shot children. I explain that it was in Connecticut and that I didn't know why he did this horrible thing.  As a mother, this tragedy rattled me very hard.  Amelia just started school this year, something that I was so excited for and for the freedom of having both of my kids in school. Now, I just don't know. The idea of not being able to keep them safe everywhere is killing me, to know that one of the places that was supposed to be the safest for them is now not as safe because of the heinous act rips me apart.  I want to pull them out of school and keep them at home, no matter what I have to give up. I want to know that they are safe, I want to see that they are safe, and I want to be the one to keep them safe.  But, I just don't know. I don't know how I can keep them safe from the terrible broken world that is out there. I don't know how I could possibly be with them every step of the way to protect them and guard them from the evils that are out there.  I don't know how I can keep calm and carry on, while wanting to do nothing but hold my babies forever.  I just don't know so many things. I don't know what safety looks like for my children, I don't know what recovery looks like, and I don't know what healing looks like, yet.  I will, I don't know when or how, I just know that I will.  I know that I will because there is a God who is bigger than all of this shit.  None of this will make sense for a long time, but it will, all of the tragedies, hurts, heartaches, recoveries and wounds will someday be pieced together for the world to see that God is not a holy goalie, but God steps into messes and makes them beautiful.