So today has been a strange amalgamation of events and emotions. I had my second appointment with my nutritionist this morning and had some anxiety surrounding the impending visit. I thought for sure she would chastise me for not eating enough or for doing something wrong. If I wasn't chastised then I was sure she was going to give me a meal plan and completely fuck up my world. So, I go about my morning and get the girls off to school without any issues. THANKS BE TO GOD! After I leave them at school and see Jason off to work I go on my merry way to my appointment. Surprisingly enough my appointment goes well, honestly I shouldn't be surprised because things usually go much differently in my head than what reality holds. I should clarify other than hearing that my insurance doesn't cover nutrition counseling unless you are a diabetic(I am going to appeal the insurance company over this issue) the appointment went well. I am starting like the idea of nutrition counseling and becoming ok with the idea of what it can do for my recovery. After my appointment I met up with two very dear friends for lunch, which was a highlight of my day. This friend is one of the few people I can eat in front of and be comfortable, most importantly not be triggered. So, we have a nice long lunch and really just enjoy each others company and have really good conversation. Then I have to leave for another appointment. I am in a really good mood, my day is going well despite a minor bump in the road that is getting fixed, I am seriously having just a really great day. As I am driving to my next commitment I am just sort of taking ED's attendance and realize that, yeah he is there but have sort of a whatever reaction. WHAT?! Then IT happens. I have what I like to call a stupid epiphany, they are stupid epiphanies because they have been there all along, but I am just now recognizing not only the existence but the power it holds. I realized that ED can be there, ED can be where ever he wants, but(it is a big but) I don't have to listen to him. I have heard this idea before and I have even read it in a book, but I didn't get it until today. I never gave this idea the opportunity to set in and really take root into my subconsciousness until today. This while idea and the freedom I felt made/makes me very excited. Now I know that this idea will take lots and lots of practice, it will take intentional choices on my part to really mean something in the long run, but today's realization is really exciting. For so long I have given ED a lot of power over my choices, especially my choices surrounding food. I let him dictate to me what, when, where and how I should eat. Today I realized how much power I have and that I don't have to listen to him at all. Some days I may do really well with my power and use it to my full advantage and other days I will lose or fail, maybe I will even fall flat onto my face into a relapse. Even if all of that happens I will be holding onto my power, I will hold onto it like a catcher holds onto a baseball while protecting home plate. Today has been an awesome day in my recovery process because I have really made some sort of progress. More and more as I go through this process I am getting a new sense of power or a power that I have always had but never acknowledged. So, no I don't have to listen to ED, I don't have to listen to the eating disorder voice at all and today I am choosing not to and I am choosing to do the next right thing(my therapist loves saying that). Tomorrow I may be as strong as an ox or I may waiver, but I will not give up. I will work it because it is worth it and more importantly I am worth the work as well.
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