What happened?!?!!

UGH!! I cannot say that or express it loud enough right now.  Yesterday I was so strong, I was such a Betty badass and I felt like I was fighting ED with everything I had, it seemed that way.  Today I feel like I am doing the walk of shame with the remnants of a one night stand with strength and empowerment, complete with running mascara and torn stockings.  I feel like I am walking around looking like a complete disheveled mess and worst of all it feels like everyone can see it.  Yesterday I felt like I turned such a great corner in recovery, I was rocking the world and I totally had the gold stars to show off my triumph.  I was in the ring with ED throwing left hooks, jabs and he was totally down for the count, or so I thought.  Today he came back with a vengeance and he came out his corner ready to fight, I was not prepared.  The day started normally, got the kids off to school with no issues again which is such a huge victory, then I came home to continue on with my day.  Then it started, the anxiety came from no where and it was crushing me.  I just couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast, I felt like the floor was falling from beneath me and I was not about to screw it up by eating anything.  I don't know why I thought this would help, I knew that it wouldn't help and all it would do was give ED more power.  Just last night in my support group someone asked the question, "by acting on symptoms does it make the situation you are going through different?" I knew better, I so knew better and I just let go of all the power I had yesterday.  So, I didn't eat breakfast, and all I had was my coffee.  Then it was time to get ready for my personal training appointment at the gym, so I had some of the energy balls that I make and a banana which felt safe, honestly that was all I could muster.  I took an apple with me in case I wanted to eat it in the car and of course I didn't eat it, shocker.  I make my way through my workout with my trainer and it was awesome, he totally kicked my ass and it was a great work out.  I leave the gym with a great endorphin rush from the work out and go on about my merry way eating the apple in the car.  I was fully prepared to just leave it at that, then a friend whom I haven't seen a while calls and she is in the area so we decide to have lunch at Baja Fresh.  OH MY GOD!!!! There is nothing there that is safe or at least nothing that I know of that is safe.  I am able to at least focus on the excitement of getting to visit with a great friend after having some distance between us because of no other reason than life.  So I get there and I ordered what I wanted to eat, I decided to stand up to ED and order what I wanted, not what was the safe or the "right" thing to eat.  I eat my food without much issue, it didn't feel like there were a lot of eating disorder thoughts and it didn't feel like ED was fighting this choice of mine.  I ate half of the burrito that I ordered and I stopped for a little break to make sure I wasn't getting too full, that was where the sneaky little fuck decided to slip in.  I totally wanted to finish it or at least eat some more of it, but I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to pick it up and take another bite.  So I just said that I was full and threw out my food. Like a good little girl I listened, I stopped eating, I stopped being Miss Piggy and parted ways with my friend.  I must note that the interaction, conversation and the time I shared with her was great, I truly enjoyed myself.  You would think that those factors would make for a good lunch.  WRONG!! I make my way to the girls school the whole time thinking that I need to purge in some way and that if the teacher didn't need me to help out at the school I was going to do it one way or the other.  I get to the school for my scheduled time to volunteer and at first I can't find the teacher.  Here is my chance, I am totally going to get an out and act on symptoms.  Then, as I am walking back to the classroom to check one more time I see her in the hallway. FUCK!! We make some small talk and then she give me some stuff to do, so I go about doing the work.  The whole time I am thinking to myself that there has got to be some way that I will get of this early enough to do what I want.  Not a snow balls chance in hell did that happen.  I finish my volunteer time and then wait for the girls to get out of school.  We get home and I decide that I just need to lay down because I am tired, so I go to my room and lay down until Jason got home from work.  He gets home and the first thing he asks about is dinner.  I was so hoping that he would go out with his friends(his normal Thursday activity) and leave me to deal with dinner with the girls, which means that I would feed them dinner without having dinner for myself.  No such luck, he suggests that we order pizza so I decide to order just one pizza instead of our normal two pizzas so that I would have an excuse to eat a salad.  So, dinner arrives, I make my salad and have my one slice of pizza the whole time thinking that this is not something I should be doing.  After dinner Jason leaves to meet up with his friends and I go about the nightly routine of getting the girls to bed.  Once they are in bed and everything is quiet the reality of my day sets in.  I feel like the biggest fuck up in the history of all fuck ups.  I feel like I have eaten way to much food for the day and didn't have any control at all.  Worst of all I feel powerless, and I feel ashamed to think that I had any power in the first place.  What happened?!?!!?!! Where did all of this power go that was there in ample supply yesterday?  Honestly it didn't go anywhere, I did.  I left the house both literally and figuratively, leaving my power at home or somewhere else.  I didn't have to have the day I had today, I could have fought so much harder for recovery than I did today, but I didn't fight. I didn't even throw a single punch.  ED had me against the ropes and I just let him beat me up, all the while my trainer is in the background telling me to fight, he is telling me to get off the ropes and to fight back.  I ignored all of it, I had so many things in my arsenal that I could have used and I didn't, I just didn't fight at all. I am not sure why, that is something I am sure will be figured out at some point. Today is not that day.  Maybe the victory in today is recognizing that I didn't fight.  Even though I didn't put up my dukes I am still giving myself a gold star for trying today.  There were some good things that I did today and it wasn't all bad.  I could have made an excuse not to have lunch with this friend and gone about my way acting on symptoms the whole time.  I could have ordered safe food for lunch and not allowed myself the pleasure I had for a short time.  So, yes today was not the best day for recovery, but tomorrow I am going to get up and try again.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I say, "bring it on!"