Today's theme is "ugh recovery". Today is a day where I am just not feeling it, not feeling recovery, not feeling like working, and most definitely I do not feeling like eating. I had my first session with a nutritionist today which was both scary and somewhat exciting. I am excited about doing another new thing that is for me and for this self-care thing that everyone loves talking about, excited for the idea of freedom, and excited to be engaging in an aspect of recovery that I wanted to do for a long time. The scary part is much more gnarly than the fairies, rainbows, and unicorns that seem to be attached to the excitement. The idea of really recovering, really getting my shit together scares me, no it terrifies me. I am afraid of what I will have instead of the eating disorder, who will be my friend, who will comfort me, who will control me when I am "recovered" from my eating disorder? I am afraid of the idea of having my teddy bear taken away, my ridiculously fucked up, dangerous, harmful, and mean teddy bear. In spite of the danger and harm that the teddy bear poses I feel like I cling to it even tighter thinking that someone is going to take it from me. My nutritionist told me today that she doesn't want my teddy bear, but maybe we can learn some better ways to use my teddy bear. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!! I should be happy that she doesn't want it but, hasn't he done a great job so far? Honestly, no he has not. I could sit and tell you all of the things he has cost me or done to me, but I still want him, I not only want him I want to love him, and squeeze him, and name him ED. A part of me wanted recovery, I mean I was the one who sought this out and started with the therapist and in the same breath I don't want it and feel reluctant to take the next step. All I want to do is purge in any way I can and restrict until the cows come home, but another part of me in this small shaky voice that says, "but, that is not what I want." I think maybe it is the little girl, lost inside of me who was there before I found ED. It is the little untainted girl who believed that life was good, who saw the magic in the fireworks at 4th of July, and saw a Daddy who wasn't so scary. This little girl is afraid, timid, somewhat quiet, and her voice quivers when she speaks, but man is she fierce. This little girl sees the badness and says, "no, I don't deserve this." This little girl feels the sting of the hits and knows there is something better for her and knows that a prince is waiting for her when she grows up(by the way little girl, this prince is awesome). This little girl knows that she deserves so much better than being Miss Piggy and knows for sure that she is beautiful beyond measure. Somehow her voice got lost, it was lost in the murky shit pit of abuse, lies, manipulation and betrayal. Even though her voice seems lost, it really isn't, it is there but it needs a bullhorn or a microphone until it can be heard on its own. One day her wish will come true and she will climb out of the well she was thrown into and LIVE in a brand new kind of well that she knew only in her dreams. One day, she will grow up and kick ass with her fierceness and maybe the first name that is on her list is ED's, maybe it's Jim's. Who know but this girl scared is going to grow up, get out, and kick ass.
2 comments:
You know, I've never heard it referred to as a teddy bear before. It seems to be a better description than "friend;" you're clinging to it, it stems from childhood, and there's an innocence you lost with it.
I think it's brave to put yourself out there in this way and to take those steps toward recovery. It's difficult and scary - but you're totally worth it. <3<3
I'll be your friend...
But I won't control you. That's your job :)
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