I've turned into a total Hulk!!

Today was a day and boy, what a day it has been!!  It was slated to be a busy day with a nutrition appointment first thing and then class immediately following.  My nutrition appointment was nice and I went in with an open mind, something that is not abnormal but with the test "the system" process I have been going through I was a little nervous.  So, the appointment goes relatively easy, I caught my nutritionist up on the past few weeks and we went over my food logs discussing some of the things I had noted. Then, "it" happens, the biggest and scariest it of all, she weighs me.  This immediately makes me anxious and sends me into a semi-freak out, so she tells me to go back to scale so I don't see the number.  WHAT?!?! You mean I can't see the number? I can't see the big scary monster looking back at me? Ugh! It was so hard. I step off the scale and she clears it out without me seeing the number.  I confirmed that I can't know the number and then I told her it wasn't fair.  She asked me why.  I explain that I have no control now, I have no power over that number or anything.  She asked me if I really had power before, if knowing the number really gave me control and power. I explained that it was my indicator telling me if I was good or bad, it told me if I was doing a good job or if I needed to work harder.  Obviously, in her eyes this scale is doing me no favors. I am not fully convinced of this idea.  So, she issues me a challenge.  Ugh!! Really? Why can't we skip along merrily pretending that we are great? Well, because that wouldn't be recovery now, would it? She challenges me to think about getting rid of my scale. OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!  She explained how some people give it to someone else, throw it away in the trash, destroy it, give it to goodwill, etc. If I couldn't do that then try to find a way to not engage with the scale.  Our session came to an end and even though my mood was good overall, I left feeling salty.  After leaving the center I head towards school which is a good 15 minute drive, which is not a bad thing.  I check-in with Jason to let him know how things are going and find out how his day is going.  I can't shake my feelings over the scale and the challenge that was issued to me.  So I call one of my support people to process all of what I am feeling and thinking.  At the time they couldn't chat so we agreed to talk after class.  I get to math class late which wasn't bad, but it had already started so I was a little behind on what was happening.  The teacher thinks that this is not an issue and calls on me shortly after I sit down.  Already feeling the inadequacy of my math skills, this didn't really help to improve my mood.  Other than the rough start of class things go rather nicely and we review for our test tomorrow which left me feeling both excited and nervous.  I was pleasantly surprised by some of my capabilities and quickly sobered by the things that cause me trouble.  As I am leaving my class I call my friend back to revisit the conversation I wanted to have earlier.  I tell them about the challenge my nutritionist issued and they were all too excited to agree with this, and even encouraged me to get rid of my scale.  They went a step further and suggested that I smash it with a hammer to which I told them, that is excessive.  We talk about the power the scale holds and my emotions around relinquishing control.  I explain that the scale tells me if I am a good girl or a bad girl. I can sometimes feel my father hovering over me telling me I need to work harder or the common, "If you would just lose a little bit of weight, then..."  I have lived by the if, then idea, knowing full well when I reached the then it would change to another then and I would never "make it".  All of my life my worth and especially my worthiness has been determined by that number and how or what I ate. I could have saved and children from a burning orphanage and still not be a good because I ate a piece of cake that day.  I asked my friend what will I have when I don't have the scale, how I will I know what I am? This question feels like the heaviest thing I have ever pondered and there has to be a complex answer to make it sensible.  My friend tells me, "How about a baptized child of God?" WHAT?!?!! I am a little floored here, and I respond, "That's it!" They reassure me that, in and of itself is pretty awesome and encourage me to try, when I want to weigh myself, go to the sink, run the water, get my hand wet and make the sign of the cross on my head.  Seriously this idea completely knocked me on my back and completely winded me. So we end our conversation and I am still feeling a little salty over this whole scale thing.  I get home from school and decide that I at least need to take it out of my bathroom. I get the scale, go into the laundry room to retrieve a hammer, and go out into the back yard.  I set the scale down and just start at it turning the hammer over in my hand.  Honestly, I feel really stupid and wonder what my neighbors may be thinking about what their crazy neighbor is doing.  So, I go for it. I take a swing at the scale and it really isn't the hardest hit I had in me. The hammer hits the scale and holy shit!! That felt amazing!! I keep going, gaining power and momentum with each swing. In my head I am thinking to myself, "fuck you dad." I just keep hitting the scale, the "on" button flies off the scale, and the screen shatters. It was amazing! I was the most powerful woman on the planet, I felt like a giant standing up to the meanest, nastiest bully ever.  I felt so strong and like I was destroying way more than just plastic and metal.  I hit it more and more, then the plastic piece separates from the platform and flies to the side.  That was wonderful. I stomp on the plastic piece to break it even more, I flip over the scale and keep hitting the metal part.  Then, I just stop and marvel at my handiwork.  I am just staring at the scattered pieces feeling amazing, powerful and some pretty intense joy.  Also, oddly enough even though I had just gone Hulk on the scale, I felt this sense of peace. It wasn't an overwhelming peace, it was just a subtle river of peace flowing quietly and beautifully within.  Who knew that doing this would be such an amazing and freeing action for me? Maybe the people who suggested I do it in the first place.  Today feels like the first day of something really great. I don't want to be cheesy and say it is the first day of the rest of my life because it is so much more. It is as if I have been unbound, like a prisoner who has been chained for far too long.  Today was the day that I destroyed one of the ties that bind me to ED and jim even though I don't want to acknowledge him at all.  It isn't the cure or the magic answer because chains are made up of links, and there are many that need to be broken.  Little by little, I have been taking my power and today's little soiree was huge.  It was a huge step towards liberation and honestly no matter how difficult I can't wait to take more.

What happened?!?!!

UGH!! I cannot say that or express it loud enough right now.  Yesterday I was so strong, I was such a Betty badass and I felt like I was fighting ED with everything I had, it seemed that way.  Today I feel like I am doing the walk of shame with the remnants of a one night stand with strength and empowerment, complete with running mascara and torn stockings.  I feel like I am walking around looking like a complete disheveled mess and worst of all it feels like everyone can see it.  Yesterday I felt like I turned such a great corner in recovery, I was rocking the world and I totally had the gold stars to show off my triumph.  I was in the ring with ED throwing left hooks, jabs and he was totally down for the count, or so I thought.  Today he came back with a vengeance and he came out his corner ready to fight, I was not prepared.  The day started normally, got the kids off to school with no issues again which is such a huge victory, then I came home to continue on with my day.  Then it started, the anxiety came from no where and it was crushing me.  I just couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast, I felt like the floor was falling from beneath me and I was not about to screw it up by eating anything.  I don't know why I thought this would help, I knew that it wouldn't help and all it would do was give ED more power.  Just last night in my support group someone asked the question, "by acting on symptoms does it make the situation you are going through different?" I knew better, I so knew better and I just let go of all the power I had yesterday.  So, I didn't eat breakfast, and all I had was my coffee.  Then it was time to get ready for my personal training appointment at the gym, so I had some of the energy balls that I make and a banana which felt safe, honestly that was all I could muster.  I took an apple with me in case I wanted to eat it in the car and of course I didn't eat it, shocker.  I make my way through my workout with my trainer and it was awesome, he totally kicked my ass and it was a great work out.  I leave the gym with a great endorphin rush from the work out and go on about my merry way eating the apple in the car.  I was fully prepared to just leave it at that, then a friend whom I haven't seen a while calls and she is in the area so we decide to have lunch at Baja Fresh.  OH MY GOD!!!! There is nothing there that is safe or at least nothing that I know of that is safe.  I am able to at least focus on the excitement of getting to visit with a great friend after having some distance between us because of no other reason than life.  So I get there and I ordered what I wanted to eat, I decided to stand up to ED and order what I wanted, not what was the safe or the "right" thing to eat.  I eat my food without much issue, it didn't feel like there were a lot of eating disorder thoughts and it didn't feel like ED was fighting this choice of mine.  I ate half of the burrito that I ordered and I stopped for a little break to make sure I wasn't getting too full, that was where the sneaky little fuck decided to slip in.  I totally wanted to finish it or at least eat some more of it, but I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to pick it up and take another bite.  So I just said that I was full and threw out my food. Like a good little girl I listened, I stopped eating, I stopped being Miss Piggy and parted ways with my friend.  I must note that the interaction, conversation and the time I shared with her was great, I truly enjoyed myself.  You would think that those factors would make for a good lunch.  WRONG!! I make my way to the girls school the whole time thinking that I need to purge in some way and that if the teacher didn't need me to help out at the school I was going to do it one way or the other.  I get to the school for my scheduled time to volunteer and at first I can't find the teacher.  Here is my chance, I am totally going to get an out and act on symptoms.  Then, as I am walking back to the classroom to check one more time I see her in the hallway. FUCK!! We make some small talk and then she give me some stuff to do, so I go about doing the work.  The whole time I am thinking to myself that there has got to be some way that I will get of this early enough to do what I want.  Not a snow balls chance in hell did that happen.  I finish my volunteer time and then wait for the girls to get out of school.  We get home and I decide that I just need to lay down because I am tired, so I go to my room and lay down until Jason got home from work.  He gets home and the first thing he asks about is dinner.  I was so hoping that he would go out with his friends(his normal Thursday activity) and leave me to deal with dinner with the girls, which means that I would feed them dinner without having dinner for myself.  No such luck, he suggests that we order pizza so I decide to order just one pizza instead of our normal two pizzas so that I would have an excuse to eat a salad.  So, dinner arrives, I make my salad and have my one slice of pizza the whole time thinking that this is not something I should be doing.  After dinner Jason leaves to meet up with his friends and I go about the nightly routine of getting the girls to bed.  Once they are in bed and everything is quiet the reality of my day sets in.  I feel like the biggest fuck up in the history of all fuck ups.  I feel like I have eaten way to much food for the day and didn't have any control at all.  Worst of all I feel powerless, and I feel ashamed to think that I had any power in the first place.  What happened?!?!!?!! Where did all of this power go that was there in ample supply yesterday?  Honestly it didn't go anywhere, I did.  I left the house both literally and figuratively, leaving my power at home or somewhere else.  I didn't have to have the day I had today, I could have fought so much harder for recovery than I did today, but I didn't fight. I didn't even throw a single punch.  ED had me against the ropes and I just let him beat me up, all the while my trainer is in the background telling me to fight, he is telling me to get off the ropes and to fight back.  I ignored all of it, I had so many things in my arsenal that I could have used and I didn't, I just didn't fight at all. I am not sure why, that is something I am sure will be figured out at some point. Today is not that day.  Maybe the victory in today is recognizing that I didn't fight.  Even though I didn't put up my dukes I am still giving myself a gold star for trying today.  There were some good things that I did today and it wasn't all bad.  I could have made an excuse not to have lunch with this friend and gone about my way acting on symptoms the whole time.  I could have ordered safe food for lunch and not allowed myself the pleasure I had for a short time.  So, yes today was not the best day for recovery, but tomorrow I am going to get up and try again.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I say, "bring it on!"

Duh-ha!!

So today has been a strange amalgamation of events and emotions. I had my second appointment with my nutritionist this morning and had some anxiety surrounding the impending visit. I thought for sure she would chastise me for not eating enough or for doing something wrong. If I wasn't chastised then I was sure she was going to give me a meal plan and completely fuck up my world. So, I go about my morning and get the girls off to school without any issues. THANKS BE TO GOD! After I leave them at school and see Jason off to work I go on my merry way to my appointment. Surprisingly enough my appointment goes well, honestly I shouldn't be surprised because things usually go much differently in my head than what reality holds. I should clarify other than hearing that my insurance doesn't cover nutrition counseling unless you are a diabetic(I am going to appeal the insurance company over this issue) the appointment went well. I am starting like the idea of nutrition counseling and becoming ok with the idea of what it can do for my recovery. After my appointment I met up with two very dear friends for lunch, which was a highlight of my day. This friend is one of the few people I can eat in front of and be comfortable, most importantly not be triggered. So, we have a nice long lunch and really just enjoy each others company and have really good conversation. Then I have to leave for another appointment. I am in a really good mood, my day is going well despite a minor bump in the road that is getting fixed, I am seriously having just a really great day. As I am driving to my next commitment I am just sort of taking ED's attendance and realize that, yeah he is there but have sort of a whatever reaction. WHAT?! Then IT happens. I have what I like to call a stupid epiphany, they are stupid epiphanies because they have been there all along, but I am just now recognizing not only the existence but the power it holds. I realized that ED can be there, ED can be where ever he wants, but(it is a big but) I don't have to listen to him. I have heard this idea before and I have even read it in a book, but I didn't get it until today. I never gave this idea the opportunity to set in and really take root into my subconsciousness until today.  This while idea and the freedom I felt made/makes me very excited.  Now I know that this idea will take lots and lots of practice, it will take intentional choices on my part to really mean something in the long run, but today's realization is really exciting.  For so long I have given ED a lot of power over my choices, especially my choices surrounding food.  I let him dictate to me what, when, where and how I should eat.  Today I realized how much power I have and that I don't have to listen to him at all.  Some days I may do really well with my power and use it to my full advantage and other days I will lose or fail, maybe I will even fall flat onto my face into a relapse.  Even if all of that happens I will be holding onto my power, I will hold onto it like a catcher holds onto a baseball while protecting home plate.  Today has been an awesome day in my recovery process because I have really made some sort of progress.  More and more as I go through this process I am getting a new sense of power or a power that I have always had but never acknowledged.  So, no I don't have to listen to ED, I don't have to listen to the eating disorder voice at all and today I am choosing not to and I am choosing to do the next right thing(my therapist loves saying that). Tomorrow I may be as strong as an ox or I may waiver, but I will not give up.  I will work it because it is worth it and more importantly I am worth the work as well.

I just don't know

Today's theme has been, "I just don't know."  It started normally with getting the girls off to school, after that I was trying to coordinate with a friend about meeting up for breakfast while fighting with ED over eating, and then I went to my appointment with my therapist.  I went into therapy already carrying a heavy load from some, as my therapist put it, emotional bombings.  I was angry and frustrated with the emotions that I was already feeling, frustrated over the realization at the anger I have over my father, my mother, and the abuse from my childhood.  I was also frustrated over trying to come up with strategies for Sunday's luncheon at church and the fact that I have to put myself through the event in the first place.  Part of my stress over the luncheon on Sunday is the socialization and trying to "fit in." More and more lately I have felt like I just don't fit in, I don't fit in within the church circle, I don't fit in with the moms at school, and overall I just don't feel like I fit in at all.  I was telling my therapist how I was talking about this with my sister and my sister was trying to give me conversation strategies because that social fluff kind of conversation just does not come naturally to me. My sister has this weird gift with conversation, to watch her is somewhat amazing to see how it just flows so easily from her, while I stumble gracefully over awkward pauses.  My frustration with this fact and the idea of trying to socialize on Sunday is causes some anxiety, I know you are all shocked.  So, at that point my therapist decides to completely fuck my world up in the worst way.  She explained to that the reason I am not comfortable in these situations is because I am an introvert. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! At this point I am about to question if her degree came in happy meal and then she explains to me why I am an introvert.  I like social settings with a select group of people and small amounts or groups, which is true.  I tolerate socializing and then when I am done, I am done and it is over until I "recover" and do it again which is also true.  I like intimate, quality gatherings with people, which is also very true.  After she went over these few points and some others, I was PISSED.  What the fuck, am I supposed to do with this information now?  Congratulations on being right, here is your shiny fucking gold star but, what am I supposed to do now?  All of my life I have been told how social I am, I have been called a social butterfly, chatty Cathy, and told that I can just talk to anyone. Yes, I am talkative some would say I am very talkative. In spite of being talkative I am not an extrovert. It has taken me all day to mentally chew on this information and not purge(mentally and not physically).  Somehow almost 6 hours later I am ok with this information, I am accepting the fact that this is true. I am also accepting the fact that this is true not because someone told me what I am, but it is true because my organic behaviors say so. Yes, it took my therapist to explain all of this in slow, small words and some puppets for me to see this about myself. Commence deep heavy sigh.  This information, no, the acceptance of this information is freeing. I know that I will not magically "get it" in 6 hours or over night because, honestly I just don't know. I don't and that is totally, OK. This will be a process, it will take time, and eventually I will get it inside and out, then it will be beautiful or then I will realize the beauty within this fact.  So, fast forward to the end of session and I skip along on my merry little way. Ok, I was not skipping, nor merry I was bitchy and pissy.  These two things have been rather common the past few days. Yesterdays started after the appointment with the nutritionist and using the recovery record app.  The app is nice, well designed, user friendly and all that good stuff.  It is a level of accountability for which I was not prepared.  I feel like I need to clarify that being prepared and being capable are two different things. I am capable of using this app and the accountability, or maybe I will be at some point. I was not prepared for just how accountable it would make me. It reminds me to eat and not just normal meals but snacks too.  Ugh are you kidding me!?!?! So there are some of the reasons for my bitchiness and pissy attitude(just so you know this has not spilled over to family or friends).  As I am leaving the office I check my phone and look at Facebook, which had a lot of statuses about being heart broken, sad, and people not being able to understand what happened.  They were vague statuses and I wasn't really aware of what was happening.  I called Jason to ask what was going on and he told me of the horrific events in Connecticut.  After I hung up with him I look at the MSNBC app on my phone and read some information about what happened but it was still general information.  I wasn't really getting the magnitude of what was going on, but I was thinking that I just wanted to hug my girls and be with them.  So just before 3:30 I am walking up to their school and I just cannot get there fast enough. As I am waiting for the bell to ring and the kids to come out my emotion is building.  I see the door open and the principal is the first to come out with the kindergarteners, I am frantically looking for Amelia because at that point I just want her.  Finally I see her and it was all I could do to not run up to her and grab her.  She walks over to me, I kneel down to give her a hug, and I lost it. I am hugging her, kissing her head and just telling her how happy I am to see her. She asked why I was crying and I just tell her because I am so happy that she is here and that I have her.  Then we wait for Stephanie to come out(they dismiss the children in grade order), this feels like it is taking forever.  She comes out, I hug her and I am crying still, even though I have them safe in my arms I just can't be thankful enough for having them there.  She looks at me and says, "Mom I know why you are crying. We are going to have a safe weekend." That just makes me cry even more, knowing that she gets in some way what happened and is reassuring me that we will be ok.  Then as we are walking away Amelia asked what happened and I tell her that a man went into a school similar to Pinewood and shot children. I explain that it was in Connecticut and that I didn't know why he did this horrible thing.  As a mother, this tragedy rattled me very hard.  Amelia just started school this year, something that I was so excited for and for the freedom of having both of my kids in school. Now, I just don't know. The idea of not being able to keep them safe everywhere is killing me, to know that one of the places that was supposed to be the safest for them is now not as safe because of the heinous act rips me apart.  I want to pull them out of school and keep them at home, no matter what I have to give up. I want to know that they are safe, I want to see that they are safe, and I want to be the one to keep them safe.  But, I just don't know. I don't know how I can keep them safe from the terrible broken world that is out there. I don't know how I could possibly be with them every step of the way to protect them and guard them from the evils that are out there.  I don't know how I can keep calm and carry on, while wanting to do nothing but hold my babies forever.  I just don't know so many things. I don't know what safety looks like for my children, I don't know what recovery looks like, and I don't know what healing looks like, yet.  I will, I don't know when or how, I just know that I will.  I know that I will because there is a God who is bigger than all of this shit.  None of this will make sense for a long time, but it will, all of the tragedies, hurts, heartaches, recoveries and wounds will someday be pieced together for the world to see that God is not a holy goalie, but God steps into messes and makes them beautiful.

Wishing...well...

Today's theme is "ugh recovery".  Today is a day where I am just not feeling it, not feeling recovery, not feeling like working, and most definitely I do not feeling like eating.  I had my first session with a nutritionist today which was both scary and somewhat exciting. I am excited about doing another new thing that is for me and for this self-care thing that everyone loves talking about, excited for the idea of freedom, and excited to be engaging in an aspect of recovery that I wanted to do for a long time.  The scary part is much more gnarly than the fairies, rainbows, and unicorns that seem to be attached to the excitement.  The idea of really recovering, really getting my shit together scares me, no it terrifies me.  I am afraid of what I will have instead of the eating disorder, who will be my friend, who will comfort me, who will control me when I am "recovered" from my eating disorder?  I am afraid of the idea of having my teddy bear taken away, my ridiculously fucked up, dangerous, harmful, and mean teddy bear. In spite of the danger and harm that the teddy bear poses I feel like I cling to it even tighter thinking that someone is going to take it from me.  My nutritionist told me today that she doesn't want my teddy bear, but maybe we can learn some better ways to use my teddy bear.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!! I should be happy that she doesn't want it but, hasn't he done a great job so far? Honestly, no he has not. I could sit and tell you all of the things he has cost me or done to me, but I still want him, I not only want him I want to love him, and squeeze him, and name him ED.  A part of me wanted recovery, I mean I was the one who sought this out and started with the therapist and in the same breath I don't want it and feel reluctant to take the next step.  All I want to do is purge in any way I can and restrict until the cows come home, but another part of me in this small shaky voice that says, "but, that is not what I want."  I think maybe it is the little girl, lost inside of me who was there before I found ED.  It is the little untainted girl who believed that life was good, who saw the magic in the fireworks at 4th of July, and saw a Daddy who wasn't so scary.  This little girl is afraid, timid, somewhat quiet, and her voice quivers when she speaks, but man is she fierce.  This little girl sees the badness and says, "no, I don't deserve this." This little girl feels the sting of the hits and knows there is something better for her and knows that a prince is waiting for her when she grows up(by the way little girl, this prince is awesome).  This little girl knows that she deserves so much better than being Miss Piggy and knows for sure that she is beautiful beyond measure.  Somehow her voice got lost, it was lost in the murky shit pit of abuse, lies, manipulation and betrayal.  Even though her voice seems lost, it really isn't, it is there but it needs a bullhorn or a microphone until it can be heard on its own.  One day her wish will come true and she will climb out of the well she was thrown into and LIVE in a brand new kind of well that she knew only in her dreams.  One day, she will grow up and kick ass with her fierceness and maybe the first name that is on her list is ED's, maybe it's Jim's. Who know but this girl scared is going to grow up, get out, and kick ass.

Gratitude Part 2

Today I am grateful for:

1. My house- This may sound so simple, but I really enjoy my house.  I love be at home with my family on any kind of day.  It is such a comfortable sanctuary with all of the things that I enjoy.  Most of all it has my family in it, including my dog.  It shows my style which I think is very simplistic. 

2. My dog- This is sort of a forced gratitude. My dog mystery is very sweet and loving.  She is a funny looking little dog and I really love that quality about her.  She loves to snuggle with you which I think is great. There really is nothing like snuggling with a dog that loves you unconditionally.  She makes us laugh a lot because of the funny and interesting things that she does.  On the other hand she is still not house broken which is very frustrating.  She peed on the couch yesterday which really got under my skin.  She destroys things, mostly toys.  Even though she does all of that annoying stuff I still really love my dog and I am grateful that I have her around.  She is a distraction to stress and she can be great to be around.  

3. My body- Even though I am an extremely self conscious person I am extremely grateful for my body.  It works and it does what I need it to do.  I am not sickly, bed ridden, paralyzed, or incompacitated in any way.  I am grateful that if I need to go do something I am completely able to get it for myself.  My arms can hold and hug my babies.  My legs can run after them. My eyes can see all of the wonderful things that they do.  My hears can hear their beautiful laughter. I am grateful that I have a body that is healthy and functioning great.  

Gratitude

So I wanted to start a gratitude journal, but I am not good with keeping notebooks.  I thought that the best way to do it would be on the computer since I am always on the computer.  Here goes...

Today I am grateful for

1. Stephanie in all of her essence.  Her energy is one thing that amazes me and keeps me captivated.  She is the most exuberant child that I have ever seen and everything about her makes me happy.  

2. Amelia in all of her essence and that chunker has a lot of essence.  Her eyes have this amazing sparkle in them.  In her simplicity she brings me immense joy.  I would be lost and dull without my children in my life. 

3. Jason for all that he is and all that he isn't.  He is the most amazing hard working husband and I am proud to say that he is mine.  I love how he loves me and how much he wants to make me happy.  Seeing the joy in his face when he gives me a gift or does something nice for me makes me melt a million times more than whatever he is doing.  Even though it gets on my nerves I am grateful for him losing things because it keeps him human and it is a little cute.  I could go on forever but for all that Jason is and is not I am grateful.

4. Being able to stay at home and raise my children.  I know how much of a huge luxury it is to be able to stay home and raise my children myself.  Having been through using daycare and working full time I am hugely grateful for the fact that I am the care giver and nobody else. 

5. I am grateful for having mono.  I know that this may sound totally insane but it is something that needed to happen.  It has forced me to slow down and go with the flow.  I would never have slowed down on my own because I am too much of a doer and task oriented person.   

6. I am grateful for my family.  In all of their essence and all of the things that frustrate me about them I am grateful for each and everyone one of my family members.  I am grateful for my place in this family and for all of my interactions with them.